JB’s Blog

Well if this blog was like many of the instant messages I receive, there would be nothing after the title.  There are several people who will instant message me randomly with hi, and then disappear…and this is a normal occurrence.  Look if you have nothing to say, don’t say "Hi" for the sake of saying "Hi."  Despite whatever rumors there may be, I am not just sitting here waiting to give out $1 million to the next person that im’s "Hi!"  At the very least, if you feel compelled to say "Hi," try, just try, to force yourself to hang in there the extra fifteen second (I know this must be excruciating for you), and ask how the person’s day was and then say that you have to run.   

I have one friend who has asked to remain anonymous, and no this is not me, I swear it.  No one ever gives me elaborate excuses when they cancel on me.  They just get shady and never explain why or never speak to me.  However, this friend, over the past few months has gotten some of the most elaborate excuses from girls that I have every heard.  Seeing as I have already labeled some A-D, we’ll call this person Friend E.

Here’s what usually happens.  E meets a girl, gets her number and they speak.  Then they make plans, or the girl will say she will call him back.  Then the girl will either cancel, not call him back, or not call him, and send a TEXT MESSAGE the next day. 

[AN ASIDE:  People c'mon now...text message cancellation!!!  If it were guys, I'd say grow a set.  If you are cancelling get some guts and do it with some courtesy...technology sometimes makes us forget that the people we are speaking to are...well...PEOPLE who deserve resepect.  END OF ASIDE]

Anyway, I’ve listened to his many phone calls and emails and the most common excuses come into three categories.  Death, Busy, Sick and Car Accident.  Friend E is apparently a relative killer.  If you date him there is a good chance that your uncle or grandfather will die.  Or perhaps maybe only a relative will be in a car accident.  He also is likely to cause you to get ill on nights you are supposed to go out with him, or suddenly cause your schedule to fill up so much you cannot find the time to make a 30 second phone call ("so hectic").

Given the unreliableness (is that a word?), E will make several plans for a weekend expecting the usual cancellations.  From this past week, here are the actual excuses he received from three girls:

1) A text message an hour before they are supposed to meet on Saturday night claiming that she was on her way to the hospital with her parents because her brother had gotten into a car accident, and she didn’t want to leave him hanging.

2) A girl that never called him back.  E then sends her a message saying why did you bother to give me your number if you were never going to call me.  She then calls and leaves a voicemail.  The voicemail is given late Saturday night saying that her Uncle had passed away on Thursday.  Every time she was thinking about calling him, a relative would call.  Imagine that, at every moment, the relatives timed their calls perfectly.

3)  My favorite one.  Oh everything was hectic these passed few days.  I have not had a spare minute to make a phone call (sent by text message).

Now you really cannot call people out saying you don’t believe them on the first two.  The problem is, he gets these several times a month (yes I know…E gets out a lot, and his habits are not pertinent to cancellation excuses, so save the comments on that).  The fact is, a lot of relatives are dying and becoming erratic drivers, so much so, that you just don’t believe them anymore.

So girls, and guys that do this, remember the girl who cried wolf parable?  This is going to happen to people because of all of you who lie.  Either that, or dating E is a curse upon your home. 

Now I don’t mean to complain too much, but when I buy an invisible solid deodorant stick…well…odlly enough I expect it to be invisible when applied.  Yet somehow every time I put on a shirt, if the bottom somehow grazes my underarms for a split second I will get the white deodorant lines at the bottom of my shirt.  These lines may not be noticeable until I leave my apartment.  Even when they are, they are hard to remove.  This is due to the very nature od a deodorant/anti-perspirant.  It absorbs water.  This means I have to saturate the bottom of the shirt in order to remove the deodorant stain.  So how about we make invisible mean invisible!

I personally have never had luck with going on animal rides.  My earliest memory if going on a pony ride at someone’s birthday and the pony stopped to take a leak while I was on top.  This also happened when I went on such a ride at a zoo by my grandmother.  The ultimate example is when I went to the Catskill Game Farm when I was a kid.

It was our yearly summer family vacation.  We had already stopped at the Baseball Hall of Fame and Howe Caverns.  Next stop was the Catskill Game Farm.  We got to our hotel and this was the closest hotel to the farm, so close that each room was equipped with a fly swatter.  After swatting a few flies and my younger brother, we went to the Game Farm.  After feeding some animals and nearly getting nipped by a zebra, and attacked by a herd of goats, we decided it would be nice for my brother and I to go on an elephant ride.

We get on the elephant and well it’s rocky and uneventful.  We’re slowly going in a circle.  Then it stops.  Cool we are getting an extra long ride.  Then I hear a waterfall.  I’m looking into the horizon.  I can see no waterfall.  The elephant is peeing.  My parents wonderful footage of our ride is filled with pee.  The elephant pees forever.  You know when you have one of those that lasts longer than a minute seems like it will never end…just imagine that with an elephant size bladder.  That’s what happened.  So for what must have been 3 minutes we stood still as the elephant released what could only have been described as the Yellow River.  That was the last animal ride I was ever on.

There is another oddity that has been happening to me lately.  There have been several people who I have not seen for many months, but suddenly have run into like two or three times in the past week.  Why does this happen?  Where were you all those months and now suddenly I cannot turn a corner without bumping into you.  If this was just one person, I’d say fine and not even bring it up.  However, it seems to happen all the time.  Why?

When I visit my folks on Long Island, they (and I used to) live in a townhouse apartment development.  About the time I was leaving for college, my grandfather moved in in the back of the development (we live in the front), and in the past couple of years my cousin from prior entries lives there with him. 

So when I visit home I will usually walk over there to hang out for a bit.  Sometimes it will get late, but if it is a nice night out, I will walk back.  The problem is at 2:00am the sprinklers in the neighborhood seem to all start going off. 

I curse, but it is a fake one.  Inwardly I love it.  I am turning sideways, counting to ten, then darting forward ten feet, ducking down.  It’s been a couple of years now doing this.  I know when and where the water is going to be sprayed.  I know approximately how much time I have.  If I get hit with some water I feel like I have failed my mission, whatever it is.  I am still a ten year old boy for those 5-10 minutes.